September 22, 2023
When I was a little girl, I was terrified of anything having to do with loud noises. So much so that anytime there were fireworks or loud sounds near me, my fight or flight would kick in and I would BOLT for the nearest escape. Clearly, I was not a fighter.
My grandpa recently brought this back up the other night, as he loves to do any chance he can get, but this time there was a deeper sentiment to him sharing the story besides just getting a laugh out of the reminiscing. This time he recalled how terrified I was of every little thing when I was younger to now being a “fearless, independent, go-getter” which is everything opposite of that girl who ran out of Rainforest Cafe.
I am now about to make a big move to another country and I feel like that little girl all over again.
For years now I’ve had this dream of teaching abroad. Even when I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go into education I still held onto this idea in the back of my mind. After deciding to study education in college, I was sitting in freshman orientation while being fed the idea of having endless opportunities at my fingertips. I decided then and there that someway, somehow I would one day teach abroad. Since that day, that dream never left me and I have never once wavered from wanting to make it happen.
Flash forward to 5 years later and in the past month I’ve had to move out of my house where I lived with my best friends post-grad to move back into my childhood home before making the final move multiple time zones away. At each big life changing move I kept waiting for it to ‘hit me’. You know that feeling you’re supposed to get from processing the stage you’re at while mourning the loss of what you once had? That has yet to come for me. Now I’m not sure if it’s because I’m in denial like I keep telling everyone or if I have this overwhelming sense of peace. Aren’t I supposed to be in a puddle of tears at every move? Shouldn’t I feel like I’m losing a piece of myself while moving away from my community?
I’ve chalked it up to “I just haven’t processed it yet” but a conversation I had with one of my roommates months ago has stuck with me and made me believe otherwise. It was around the time I was debating whether I was really going to make the move. I was sitting with her on our couches in the same spots we sat in every night while I listed out my pros and cons to her. Even then I was torn. It was never an easy decision. I was stuck between not wanting to leave my friends and community and comfort and not wanting to pass on the opportunity to live out the dream I’ve had for years. What she told me has been my reigning champ of endurance the past 7 months.
“You need to be content in whatever decision you make”
At the time there were no certainties of whether or not my roommates would still be in Phoenix the following year. There was no reassurance of a continued community. I was forced to make a decision solely for me, when in the past I would make my decisions based on sticking with that community I so desperately craved. In the past I needed comfort. I would run towards it like that little girl would run toward safety.
Be content.
In the following months there were many circumstances that would initially lead me to start to panic or second guess myself, but I would be reminded of that sentiment “Be content”. Despite feeling like I wanted to run away from the loud noises as I used to, it brought me unwavering peace amidst a chaotic seven month process to get here. Four days away from embarking on the dream I held onto so tightly for all these years.
This whole time I’ve been waiting to crumble or get this wave of excitement like it seems everyone expects me to. One extreme or the other. Instead, I just feel at peace. There’s a gentle sense in me that says, ‘Yes, this is right’. I’m right where I need to be. Feeling the textbook definition of contentment. The same contentment I’ve had to lean on the past few months that ultimately got me through. It’s no simple task to leave everyone I love and the comfort that comes with having that so near. But on the other side of that is the fruition of a dream that young girl had and the chance to say ‘We did it’.
Right now I feel as though I’m protecting my younger self from bolting to safety. I have learned there is beauty and excitement in the unknown. There is more life to be had in the loud and scary. This time we’re running into it, full speed ahead. I have found peace in letting go of safety, because if I never let go, I never would have learned that I’m always going to end up right where I should be.
And how exciting is it that I don’t know what’s to come? A whole other side of the world I’ve yet to see and grow to love.
I think she’d be pretty damn proud.
